Larger Than Life

As my roster has changed over the weeks, Steve has remained steady. Consistent messaging, phone calls at least once a week, future planned dates. Sometimes I wonder if the good morning messages are cut and paste, like is this just a message you are sending to everyone on your own roster to save time? I don't know. He talks about us doing things in the future, he sent me a photo with him and his youngest daughter, telling me her name, and then one of both of his daughters under a music festival sign. 

I do not feel confused about him liking me, this is obvious. The consistency has brought contentment and security to my life, or in my relationship with him. I am not anxious, I am not confused, I am also not falling too fast, or feel rushed for anything. It's just good, steady, peaceful. 

That's not to say I don't have my moments. A leopard cannot change it's spots. I will always be anxious, I will always have my moments of wanting more communication, faster relationship speed, etc. However, I am in a place now that I can self regulate. I realize these things and think to myself, why do I believe this negative thing, or what's the point of rushing, and I try to come up with legitimate answers. I don't have any. This is honestly the best speed for me with relationships, and it works for Steve and I. 

His presence in my mind has increased, and when I say that I mean it in different ways. I don't think about us in the future much, at least not beyond our next date. Due to living about 2 hours away, we are seeing each other like once every 3 weeks about. I think about how excited I am just to see him and hug him, hold his hand, in this imaginary intimacy, he is larger than he is. Like this giant entity, and I am smaller, if that makes sense..? However, I am taller than him, so it's not exactly realistic. I am not sure why my mind does this, but I kind of like it. I find it a bit comforting honestly, and maybe it is because I feel the attachment is secure with him. I wouldn't be surprised if that's the reason why my mind is picturing it that way. 

I do feel somewhat confused about what he really wants. It's been a few weeks since our second date at this point and he is consistent, always. I never text him, I never initiate anything. I have been operating with him as the pursuer in every sense of the word. I don't play games or withhold anything when we are together or talk on the phone or through text, but I am not always available. I take my time, I let him come to me.

When you are dating someone and they say all the things you want to hear, they remember the things you like and make plans around them or include it in conversation, but you're told "what do his actions tell you?" and "actions speak louder than words". Now the actions are telling me "this is legit", but his words on what he is looking for is not what I want to hear. So what do I follow? I don't take as much credit to a persons words as I do their actions, but is that different when you are dealing with a man of his word? And if I am, how would that factor in when he tells me that he wants to go to Renfaire's together, take me to Houston for the giant Renfaire there, have a couples Halloween costume, Game of Thrones themed, spend time in the snowy mountains with me, browse Ikea with me, cook for me, and even run general life errands with me? Wouldn't that also mean I should hold him to his word on all that? That's beyond "casual dating".

I don't know, I am giving it time because I have a roster, but I do have a timeframe of 2.5-3 months where if exclusivity is not discussed, I have to walk. That goes for anyone. Of course the conversation can be brought up before that timeframe, but that is essentially how long I will date someone without that conversation. I think it's more than fair myself.