The Mind Killer

I think that dating apps are the mind killer for real. I feel my brain rotting the more men I talk to. I would say that it takes somewhere between 15-20 conversations before I talk to someone who is actually interested and can hold a conversation, on average. That's saying that I match with those guys because I barely swipe right. Whenever I open the app, I tell myself "just find 5 guys to swipe right on", that can take an hour sometimes. 

I have found that the quality of men in South Texas is not great. When I was swiping in Utah, men just took better care of themselves, at least outwardly. Probably due to wives or ex-wives though. It at least looked like they knew what sunscreen was. 

Anyway, the "date" I had planned with Steve. It wasn't a date per say. The date was the next morning, another breakfast date, and maybe perusing the botanical gardens. However, when we were planning on the phone he asked if it would be okay if he came down in the evening and we did something, or maybe saw a movie, and he could get a hotel and then take me out in the morning. It was something like "I can get a hotel room, or if you are okay with me sleeping on your couch". 

Look, I am not naive to game at all. Steve doesn't have any, sorry. I think that yes, he wanted physical things to escalate (duh, he's a man), but so did I. 

I suggested that we watch Dune, he has read the books, and was explaining things that the movie missed (Dune 2) when we went to Guenther House before, and since Dune 2 just came out to buy on streaming, which I have in my library, I suggested starting the first one and we could work our way through them. Steve was on board with this, and then asked me about what kind of movie snacks I liked, and that he had a stove top popcorn maker and he's bringing it and all the associated fixings, and will be making me popcorn. 

After my date that morning, I spent the rest of the day cleaning my house, like top to bottom. I spent some of Friday cleaning areas I don't use as much, but today was going to take awhile. By the time I got in the shower, I was exhausted. It was worth it though, house was so nice and clean and I organized areas I have been putting off. I really have to think about why I put things off, I should be cleaning and organizing for myself more than because someone is going to see my mess. It's something to recognize and work on. My house is generally clean, but not this deep clean is all I'm saying.

Anyway, I decided to keep it simple, natural wavy hair, very light makeup, like I really just brush on some powder and used some eyebrow gel. I wore a t-shirt and bike shorts, my legs were freshly shaven and lotioned, and oh so smooth. Steve arrived late, like 8:30pm due to having a couple of firearms classes that he was teaching that evening, and then it's a two hour drive to mine. He was casual in some joggers and a t-shirt. Man, I love a man in joggers. 

I don't know what it was, I think we'd been talking for a while between dates at this point, but I was happy to see him and also felt a bit shy. Steve has always rotated on my roster, and mostly been back burner to be honest. Now he was working to the front, was I sure about that? The attraction I have for him isn't fiery, it isn't like how I felt with John. It's just been steady interest that increases when we interact. 

We kissed hello and hugged, he brought the popcorn maker and went to set it down in the kitchen, then, according to him, properly say hello and kiss me. Okay, yes, this I like. This I remember. Without the lingering thoughts and feelings of John, this is best. 

We chatted while he prepared the popcorn and he told me that he would have to leave early tomorrow because his daughters would be coming home from camp earlier than expected, so he would have to leave at about 8am, I was disappointed, but that was fine. The place I wanted to take him for breakfast opened at 6am, and we are both early risers, so it would work out, we just wouldn't be able to go to the botanical gardens. 

We set up on the couch and turned on Dune. I was surprised how much I missed the first time, now that I've seen the second one, and really like that he was there to answer questions. I laid across the couch, put a pillow over Steve's lap and settled in. He petted my hair and rubbed my neck and shoulders. Then he like baby birded me popcorn, not like from his mouth of course, but fed to me, which made me chuckle, and he was like "yeah, that seemed much smoother in my head". I thought it was funny. It was my own Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gyllenhal feeding soup moment. Hahaha

I had my hand on the bottom of his thigh and would just sweep my thumb back and forth, and midway through the movie Steve seem to have enough and started to get up, then kneeled in front of me to kiss and touch me. We started to make out and I asked if he wanted to go to bed, and he said yes. We turned off the movie and put the barely touched popcorn in the kitchen and headed upstairs. Because I wanted to sleep next to him, was I going to have sex with him? I wasn't planning on it, I really just wanted to make out and cuddle and sleep next to him. 

It's never that easy, or I'm just too easy. And I also wanted to see what he was working with, I'll be honest. I don't really care anymore! I am scruple-less, and I should really stop saying that I only have sex in exclusive relationships because I'm such a fucking liar.