His property is nice, not a country home, more modern build, rectangular ranch home with another building for his "workshop" which includes a home gym and a loft area he has been building for his IT stuff. The house is all new, but it is not lived in. You can tell that his ex-wife just took the decor she wanted and left whatever else there and he hasn't done anything since. The house is a shell, it is not a home. He gave me a tour, the rooms are pretty much empty, his bedroom has a dresser, two nightstands and a bed, that's it. No art, no photos. The office is empty, a second bedroom is empty, a third bedroom has a twin bed, but otherwise empty. There's a couch, loveseat and TV. The kitchen is really nice, new appliances, quartz countertops and a nice wood slab for the island. It's just so empty.
I looked out on the property and thought if I could live here. My cats would like it, they would love having a view, and having it be quiet. I asked if scorpions get in and he said he's found 3 total since moving in, but that's all.
He took me to the closest town for lunch at a popular barbecue spot and told me about the town while he drove and some of his neighbors. I know he was trying to share information with me about the town, but honestly, that doesn't matter much to me. If I chose to move out there to be with him, I would have to see the incentive in him, not the town. I can always drive an hour out to go to San Antonio, it's not a big deal.
Chris is an intense individual, as am I. However, he wants to rush things and I suspect it's for issues related to control. He's mentioned having "rules" when we go out and if I drink. I told them they don't matter because I don't drink. I don't think he liked being cut off like that, but that's not who I am, and I don't really give a fuck what you have to say about behaviors that don't apply to me. I think he is used to dating a different type of woman that is more attached and dependent than I am. I am an anxious attacher, don't get me wrong, but I'm also a leaver.
I can't really be "controlled". I will concede to following a mans lead that I respect and also know that that man has my best interest in mind, but control for the sake of just power, good luck. I'm not going to do anything I don't want to do, and I'm not going to argue about it with you, end of story.
His only other rule when we go out is more like "don't open doors" since that's "his job", like If you're a gentleman, I shouldn't even be told not to do that. Additionally, he has made a big hub-bub about being responsible for me when we are out and about, and while part of me likes it, it's not something that should be told to me. I should feel it when we are out, it should exude from you, but he doesn't have that. Logically, I know I am safe, but it's just different than how I felt it from Steve in the past.
We went back to the house and he was going to hop in the shower and wanted me to be naked in bed waiting for him. Okay, whatever. He tried to take off my top, but I was wearing a jumpsuit and he was so confused. Lol. Come on man. Anyway, it's the Old Navy Cloud wide leg jumpsuit and I highly recommend! It's so comfy! Anyways, again the sex was good, just lacking real intimacy in my opinion. We laid in bed for a while after, just talking, he is also very fond of forehead kisses and kissing my face in general between sentences. He asked me to stay the night, stating "I selfishly want you to stay, but I know you have to work tomorrow and you start early, so if you need to leave tonight, I understand". I told him I would stay.
He needed to bring some fence pieces into his barn, so told me to get dressed so I could provide moral support. It was dusk, the sky was clear with pink and orange on the horizon. It was so quiet out there. I told him this and he just said "I know, that's the point". I thought to myself, I could live here. I could make a home here. I know that's why he's so jazzed that I requested to see his house, and why he gave me the low down on the nearest town and neighbors. After moving some boxes, he told me to head back in, I snooped around his workshop, I don't care. Checked out his gym equipment, looked in the tool boxes... It's like everything he purchased is brand new, and does he even use this stuff, or does he have impulse buying issues? A lot of the drawers in the tool boxes were empty.
There was a Texas Poll bill from October, which I was surprised about since he would have been in Kuwait at that time. I went into the house, couldn't figure out how to turn off the fan, so snooped more until I found a jacket of his to cover my legs and sat on the couch and checked my phone, replied to some messages, and just rested. I was tired. I was feeling a bit rejected still from the younger guy's text message earlier that day, which contributed to my tiredness.
Chris came into the house and leaned over the couch, kissing the top of my head and asking what I was up to. I told him I was just tired, and he asked if I wanted to head to bed soon and I said yes, but couldn't have sex with him again. "Believe it or not, that's not the only reason I want you here" he replied. He said he would be in there momentarily and grabbed me another blanket then went to finish up whatever he was working on. I put the blanket on the bed and hopped into the shower, which he told me about when we talked BEFORE as he mentioned showering together and I told him I don't do that. It is a nice shower, and it is really big, 6x4 feet if I recall correctly from our messaging.
"WHAT are you doing in here?!?!"
Moi: eye roll "obviously"
C: "perfect, I'm joining you"
Moi: "I'm almost done, you can wait"
C: "nah"
As a woman, I keep my showers at the brink of scalding hot, which he didn't seem to mind. He did critique me and say that I didn't know how to shower with a partner, and remembers that I mentioned I don't do that, since he had to guide me out of the water stream, which I heavily protested until he guided me back. I rinsed off and finished my skin care and night time routine as we chatted. It was nice. Miles and I were not this intimate, I believe we showered together once while camping, and had some baths together, but were more private overall.
We talked a bit while in bed, about what I don't really remember now, a mishmash: my anxiety, it was pretty high; that he is "my boyfriend" now, and why I had such an issue with the label; how we will communicate when our tempers are high; how we will "date" while he is away. I told him straight up about how anxious I was because he seems to like more straight forward communication. As toxic as he appeared to be from his profile and initial messaging back in August, he just wants things laid out and clear from what I could determine. Does he still have red flags? Yes of course, but sometimes I need to learn the lesson multiple times before it clicks.
He fell asleep, and I laid there, trying to drift off. I told myself if it gets to 9pm, I will go home. Although he insisted he didn't snore, he was snoring away, as least more softly than I've experienced from others, and would occasionally shake the bed. I was assuming it was that falling feeling and waking suddenly, he did it the previous night as well. I have a hard time sleeping in new places, I wish this had been a Friday night so I could have slept in the next day, but 9pm started to approach, so I silently got dressed and packed my things into my tote bag. I put my shoes on and went back into the room to wake him that I was leaving.
"you can't sleep?"
Moi: "no, I am going to go home"
C: "I wish you could stay, but I understand"
Moi: "I know, me too. I just have a hard time sleeping somewhere new"
He got up and walked me out, he waited on the door mat because he didn't put on shoes, which I was annoyed about, as I wanted him to walk me to my car. A scorpion made an appearance, a tree bark scorpion, they still sting, but are not as toxic so he told me. He pointed it out then killed it. What a hero. Anyways.
We said goodbye at the doormat, which I was then paranoid about since I was wearing sandals. I felt sad and anxious.
"I will message you tomorrow, and then I will message you on Thursday, and on Friday. Maybe not Saturday because I will probably sleep all day, but then Sunday, and so on and so forth, okay?"
Moi: "okay"
I got home in about 45ish minutes, so not bad time. The drive isn't bad. I wish I had been able to stay, I wish it had been a weekend. I wish we had more time. I wish I felt confident that this would be anything at all.
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