You Sweet Summer Child

I can honestly say that I fumbled no one this year. I am really anxious with dating, if you've read any of my blog, you already know I have attachment issues, but this rarely shows to the men I'm dating unless I tell them as much. I have my internal anxiety and rumination, I talk to my girlfriends, journal, write it out all on here, but the outwards appearance to a man seems cool, calm, reasonable. 

My anxious attachment can only be healed by myself, and it's something I've been working a lot on in the last few months, and it's something I want to really dedicate time to in 2025. I told all of two men about my anxiety, Steve and now Chris. I may be anxiously attached, but I'm also an avoidant, I'm a lover girl, but also a leaver. Or in Chris's case, I hold firm on a boundary and he throws a tantrum and ends things. 

The TLDR is that on Monday evening (his morning) we were texting and he wanted to sext, I was like sure, whatever. At the time I was checking up on Miles' cats while he was visiting family for the holidays, so I just let him send messages and I responded. Big whoop. Then he asked me if I would have a threesome with another woman, I said if he wanted to bring in a professional (paid), then I would consider, he refused, stating he doesn't support sex work, and would never pay. I said that I would never consider a threesome then, he then suggested I bring in a friend, I said no, I don't have sex with my friends. 

Moi: "Perhaps our sexual proclivities are too different? I wouldn't want to be the person that holds someone back from fulfilling their sexual fantasies, if a threesome is something you really want, you should get that."
C: "yeah, that's pretty effed up"
Moi: "Alright"
C: "yeah this was a mistake trying to get back with you. All the same red flags and many more pop up. I'm sorry I wasted both of our times on this"
Moi: "Okay. Good luck to you Chris"

I'm not going to argue, I'm not going to react (to him) emotionally. You made your bed, enjoy your tantrum. I'm not the one missing out in this situation, you played yourself player. He also blocked me on WhatsApp after reading my response, as I sat there with the chat open, a mixture of upset and also confirmation--as I knew he would do this, even though he said he wouldn't blow everything up again. Use your words to communicate your anger and frustration, but instead you just use those words to imply I was a mistake, have many red flags, and a relationship with me was a waste of time. It must be so relaxing to be so emotionally stunted and lack empathy. 

I spent a few days beating myself up because I knew talking to him again would not result in anything good. I knew he was toxic when I saw his profile in August for fucks sake. I swiped right on him because I was bored, to be completely honest. He is not the type of guy I usually date, EVER. Not to be a cunt, but he is not at my level. Facts are facts. Yeah, he may make more money and own a house and property, but I am thinking about what kind of human you are, not what you have. Besides, it's not like I am doing bad on my own anyways. 

However, even with my hesitancy to be monogamous with him, I went into this genuinely wanting it to work, even if I felt like he couldn't handle someone like me. When I say that I mean someone independent that is not going to flex on boundaries and my own likes/dislikes to please a man. I spent my relationship with Miles not speaking my mind when I felt disrespected or disregarded, I am not interested in doing that again, ever. 

Chris wants a woman that will submit to his wishes just to keep him, he wants to dictate and be obeyed. I am not interested in any of that. I want a collaborative partnership. I want a man that leads, of course, but a good leader collaborates with their team. I would have been fine if he wanted to be the "public face" of the relationship, so to speak (I cannot think of how else to describe it), but in the relationship, privately, at home, whatever, we work together. I guess that's just too much to ask. 

Also, we just had sex and you are talking about a threesome? I felt that was intentional, to make me feel inadequate or something, which pffft. Let me tell you, I've never had a complaint. What I have had is guys talking about how much they liked it, how I felt and how responsive I was DAYS after the fact, thankyouverymuch. Maybe I'm not the best he ever had because I would not allow xyz, I have standards, deal with it. And I lied when I told you that you were the biggest I ever had. Pathetic.

I also felt really dumb picturing a future with him. I don't know how to not do that, besides intentionally redirecting my thoughts, but when your mind is at ease and you're on auto pilot, I just wander. I pictured my cats and I living at his house in the country, what life would be like, would I be safe there? Or would I feel so isolated and controlled? Would I be happy? How much money could I save since he would be paying for pretty much everything? That was a big thought, I really liked that idea to be honest. Life is expensive okay! Still rather be single and paying for it myself than be with the wrong person though. 

I don't like that he would be gone for 6 months at a time, but I could have dealt with that. I like my own time, I like being alone and getting all my things done. I think I would have missed him a lot, but because I am so independent this relationship would have worked, if he had the emotional intelligence I needed. How he expects to make his situation work with a woman that does not have the same mind as I do, I have no idea. I think he will just continue to get fucked over time and time again. Like I said, good luck dude. 

He doesn't deserve my empathy or compassion, but he does have it, for a short time. Chris is a deeply lonely person, similarly to how I'm a deeply lonely person. Whenever I talk about my loneliness it is so painful, it's really just this deep dark chasm inside of me. I heavily empathize with people that have experienced this, and it stems from a traumatic childhood. It is a like recognizes like thing. 

I am not saying I am better or worse, but I've cultivated a life I am mostly happy with, I've been working on being more vulnerable with my friends and the family member's I talk to, and improving my relationship with myself and inner child to combat the loneliness. I know that I will always feel somewhat lonely, even if I do find a relationship, all the way until the very end. It is what it is. Chris is not doing those things, he told me that he basically thwarts attempts for his colleagues to get to know him. Unfortunate. 

I have spent the last week thinking and analyzing why he did what he did so that I could logically figure it out and file it away, instead of feeling my feelings, which was hurt. I felt rejected, used, unworthy, and of course dumb for believing him when I knew better. It doesn't matter why he did what he did, it matters that he did it. He treated me carelessly, I am emotionally unsafe with him, that will never not be true. 

I really think we could have been a good partnership if he dealt with his bullshit and healed, but LOL. What an ask. That's never going to happen. Well, I guess I learned my lesson about doing things out of boredom (hopefully), and giving a chance to a man because you empathize with him. I do regret not sending him my Amazon Christmas list when he asked the first time, my mistake. 

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I hope anyone and everyone that reads my posts about my ridiculous adventures had a Merry Christmas, and a very happy New Years. I really appreciate all the comments and feedback I get, I'm happy to scream into the void really, but glad it's not always the case.