I was driving to San Marcos to meet Gun Show Guy the same morning that I was with Adam (alright player). We had planned this date like a week and a half ago, I would have just canceled going to the gun show if we hadn't made a date. Actually, it wasn't a date, I told him I was going to the gun show and he said he was thinking about going and asked if I wanted to meet there. It wasn't until a couple days before that he asked if I wanted to get breakfast beforehand and I agreed.
My friend called me to ask about how the date with Adam went and chastise me about not having my location shared with her. She said "oh I already knew you were going to have sex with him, but when I saw your location wasn't on, I said oh bitch!" I do have location on 24/7 for Amanda now, but not her. I should probably just turn that on. I told her about everything, and that I was feeling sad. Then I got to the sigma comment and started crying.
Of all the things Adam and I discussed, and especially how I let my boundaries fail, this is what hurts. Being alone, unwanted, is a deep core wound stemming from childhood. The loneliness I feel on a daily basis is excruciating. And I don't feel it as loneliness all the time, I am used to it. It is a default setting for me. It doesn't mean that when it is brought to my attention I am impartial to it. When I think about it and recognize it, it fucking hurts. It's like I can see and feel this gaping cave sized wound in me when I start to think about it.
I don't know if anyone actually sees me, maybe Adam did and it's why he was able to connect with me so easily, because he feels the same wound (sigma *eyeroll*). The difference is that I could not ignore someone I had such intense interactions with, and I don't just mean the sex. I am also careful to not future talk and project that I want more with someone, like he did (however, if he hadn't, then would he have gotten me in bed? Who knows), I will say it plainly: I would like to see you again, I would like to hear from you the future, etc, etc. IF we have this same feeling inside, it doesn't allow me to excuse his silence, but I guess it's a reason to explain it. I can cut people off with a swiftness as well.
Anyway, I was literally down the street from the breakfast place, crying. Red puffy eye crying. Real tears, not tears that just slip out.
Moi: "fuck dude, I'm like within a couple minutes of meeting this guy and I'm fucking crying, what the fuck am I supposed to do?!?"
J: "just tell him you were talking to me about something upsetting, it is what it is, there is nothing you can do now but try and get it together"
I compartmentalized and took some deep breaths before getting out of my car. Telling myself over and over the show must go on. This is not a good look. And I'm going on like maybe 2.5 hours of sleep. Awesome.
Luckily Gun Show Guy is an extreme nice guy. Which does worry me, like are you a "nice guy" that secretly doesn't like women, or are you actually kind? I haven't been able to determine. He stood up from the table when I reached him and we hugged. I apologized for my appearance and said that I was talking to a friend on the way here and she is going through a really tough time, we are really close and I feel for her. He was concerned and just asked if I was okay and I said yes, just that I have great empathy towards my friends so it can be difficult sometimes. I am not sure he believed me, but I got it together for the rest of the date and was my funny and charming self.
Breakfast was good, he told me a bit about his work, and also suggested a corporate book to me, which I have forgotten the name of already. Which is kind of annoying because I was actually interested in at least looking it up on Amazon or my local library.
GUN SHOW TIME BABEEEEY
I've never been to a gun show, but I figured that I should because it's Texas, hellooooo. Like, if I don't stay here, I have to say I at least went to a gun show while I lived here. I also wanted to go to buy a police baton and maybe a little pocket knife. My friend, J, and I go walking, but sometimes I want to go alone and she is always carrying. I would at least like something, even if I never use it, just to feel safe.
We pulled into the hotel and man, it was crowded. We arrived about 15 minutes after it opened at 10am. I was following him and he turned into the first lane where there was a parking spot, slowed in front of it until I was behind him, then passed. I parked there and waited for him to find a spot in the back. I asked if he intended for me to park there and he said yes. I am not surprised, but also am. Consideration is probably one of my top 3 things, and I don't think Miles would have done the same. I thanked him and we walked to the entrance line. He also brought a raincoat for me, which I declined, as I had long sleeves on and it was only drizzly.
It was not what I was expecting. Granted my expectation were low. It was in a hotel conference room and kind of small. I truly expected a warehouse with loads of tables and big crowds, and trump/let's go brandon flag stations in the corners. But no. It was pretty mild mannered rows of tables that we walked through. I found what I wanted around row 3, ironically the first woman to greet me as well. It's not like I was wearing a shirt stating I was a raging misandrist fem-nazi socialist or anything, I decided to not wear that shirt today. Seemed like a bad idea. Lol, I don't have a shirt like that of course.
My inclination was to cave in on myself and shut down, but I walked with Gun Show Guy and was sure to ask questions about things. He is a certified firearms instructor for a group in Austin, and took the time to explain things to me clearly and concisely. I bet he is a good instructor, his voice is very calming and he took the time to really explain things and answered all my questions.
Once we had walked around all the booths, we stood near the exit and wrapped up, I thanked him for breakfast and also showing me around the gun show and told him that I would be interested in going out again. He expressed similar sentiments. We hugged and I left.
He texted me before I got home and told me he enjoyed meeting me and was excited to plan something in the future. I responded when I got home and suggested a quieter place next time, he said he would look for maybe a museum exhibit or botanical garden. We have texted to check in here and there, but nothing too much, which I prefer. I like consistency, not constant texting. Constant texting with no dates? Lazy, low effort, I don't like it. I told him that we could plan a phone call, and he gave me the days he is available, so we are going to talk tomorrow evening.
I am seeing where things go.
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