Will It Ever Be Real?

Hello! I'm alive and apologize in advance to anyone reading this, it's a long update.

The tattoo artist and I ended up dating until the week of Thanksgiving, he was traveling to visit family and tattoo for a week up there. We saw each other the Friday and Sunday prior to him leaving late Sunday night. He asked me to date him exclusively before he left and I tentatively said yes, then he promised to call me everyday. Lol. 

The calls never happened. I got a call on Thanksgiving where he said he hasn't had service since his family's house is in the mountains and they didn't tell him there was no coverage and apparently they don't have wi-fi (okaaay). He said he was playing pool in the garage with his cousins and had his phone on a random chair and received a text after a week of nothing. Apologies were abundant as well as the "I've missed talking to you" and "I can't wait to be home to see you". He was leaving Friday and told me that he would call once he made it to the main freeway. Never received a call. I finally called him Friday evening telling him that I value consistency and someone that is true to their word, and that I didn't think we should talk anymore. 

He called me Saturday saying he was on the road and that his phone wasn't working all Friday and he couldn't leave because he needed the GPS, and he had to go into town to get it fixed. More apologies and "what could I have done?" statements. He also told me he didn't get my voicemail. He wanted to take me to breakfast to talk on Sunday. I said I didn't know. He called me later on his drive, apologizing again, telling me how much he just wanted to see me, etc. I agreed to meet him for breakfast on Sunday. 

Breakfast was fine, he showed me photos of all the tattoos he did, and told me how glad he was to see me. He also told me that he was going to be moving to a new shop near medical center and we discussed that. We left it that he would call me later that day as he had a tattoo to finish at noon. 

I had a panic attack later that day because I knew I couldn't see him anymore. I was ignoring my gut instinct about him, he isn't a good man. I knew this. I wanted to believe the love bombing, even though I know better, even though I rolled my eyes and thought to myself "does this really work???" yes and no. It gives me the cringe to where I am so skeptical and my guard is so high, but I still want it, even if I don't believe it. All it did was make it harder to remove myself. I didn't believe that his phone broke, I didn't believe he didn't have service, but I told myself "why lie about it" and "how can I know" because there are some areas of San Antonio where I don't have service myself. I knew he was a bad man because I grew up around bad men. I know one when I see one. 

Either way, he posted on Instagram that afternoon that he was leaving San Antonio in a week and was going to have tattoo deals all week until he left to move to Arkansas. He posted this like 2 hours after I saw him, never hinted towards this, I didn't see it until hours after he posted it. I blocked him on my iPhone, then unfollowed him and blocked him on Instagram and have never spoken to him since. 

I'm so glad that no matter what, I never let him know where I lived. 

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Anyway, that was months ago. I stopped dating for the month of December, and reactivated mid January. I've been out with 3 men so far, a civil engineer, software engineer and a pharmacist. I am dating a little more traditionally now, it's something I kind of took away from my encounters with the tattoo artist. He was very traditional, always leading, opening doors, paying for things, ensuring that I eat, calling me instead of texting, making plans in advance, being proactive and pursuing me. There were some good things in there, obviously. I took the good and implemented it into my dating strategy. 

I really liked the civil engineer, and got the impression he liked me as well. He was very free spoken about us doing things in the future, and when we left things off he told me "I hope you had a good time, I really had a good time with you and feel like I could talk to you all night, but I do have to work tomorrow". I told him that I really enjoyed the date and would like to see him again. When I got home I sent a text thanking for him for dinner again and saying that I hope we can do it again sometime. He responded "likewise, I liked talking with you, and learning about your tattoos.... I like tattoos" and I said OH OKAY. I know what this is. You think because I have tattoos I'm some kind of marked loose woman. Right. I didn't respond, I mean technically there was no question. I never heard from him again. 

The software engineer was nice, from Austin, we met halfway between. We talked for a week and a half on Hinge before meeting. He said he's a big texter, I am not. It's lazy, low effort communication. I don't want to text men all fucking day. I got the impression before our date that he wasn't going to be it for me. He wasn't masculine enough, there wasn't enough interest or pursuit I felt. Like, I would control the relationship if one occurred and that would put me back in a situation similar to how I was with Miles. I wasn't certain, but that was certainly the vibe. This was confirmed when we met. We had a good time and great conversation, it was very entertaining and we spent 2 hours over breakfast, I didn't even know we were there that long. However, there was no pursuit after. No asking if I wanted to do this again, nothing. It was "go with the flow" text messages. I do not do go with the flow, you want me or you don't, he didn't. I blocked him, unmatched him and moved on. 

The pharmacist is recent, just this last weekend. I've seen him around the sites often and never matched with him, or maybe he never matched with me, I am not sure. I don't think I swiped right on him previously, and I am not sure why I did now. I think because he was just kind of straight forward and had a good career, so I said, okay lets see. Immediate message once we matched asking about things on my profile, after exchanging about 5 messages, he asked me to brunch on Saturday (it was only Sunday). I agreed. He didn't have much to say during the week. I asked what his communication style was and he said he just wanted to save conversation until we met. I was like oh, okay. 

This was the first time in a while that I went into a date almost blind to their personality. And I now know why. Dude is dry. He was super nervous, like leg shaking so hard that his entire body was shaking, I was like, ummm, are you okay? He told me he was really nervous and anxious. The restaurant was loud. I stared out the window and would look back at him and he was openly staring at me. We made light, superficial conversation. We stood outside the restaurant and I thanked him for breakfast and mentioned that we hadn't exchanged numbers, as we were still talking on the app. I told him that I don't pursue men, and that he should let me know if he wants to see me again. We "friend hugged" and I left. I feel like he has aspergers or something because of the way he was and mannerisms. It was obvious that he was either impacted by severe social anxiety or on the spectrum. So I just decided to be straightforward with him. Take it or leave it, I don't give a shit.

That is not a dealbreaker for me, but not having any real conversation all week and then not having much prepared when we meet is lazy. I can talk about whatever, but at a point I am talking to myself. I told myself that I would give it another date to try and get to know him. He ended up asking for my number on the app shortly after our date and I gave it to him. We texted a bit Saturday and on Sunday he asked if I wanted to go for a walk with him at a park near my apartment. I agreed, even though I do not like last minute events, and I especially hate freebies. 

Not to be super sprinkle sprinkle, but walks are not dates. I agreed because it was nice out and it would mean I wouldn't have to go to the gym. I dressed like I was going for a walk, sporty clothes, big visor, sunblock, my huge sunglasses. I don't care if he couldn't see me. The conversation was better, but I basically learned that this guy only works, has a daughter, has zero hobbies and is interested in politics. Like that is it. No personality really, nothing. I could not get a read on him at all, and I am GREAT at reading people. If my extensive childhood trauma gave me anything, it is the ability to read someone, and I only read 2 things off this guy. He wants to have sex; and when we parted, I got the clear vibe that he wasn't interested in me anymore.  

Not to be dramatic or anything, but HOW CAN A GUY WITH NO PERSONALITY REJECT ME? JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH CHRIST. Obviously it wouldn't have worked out, and when I drove away I literally said out loud to myself, "well, that's over"... I guess this is why I see this dude on the apps all the time. Honestly, I also had the clear vibe that if I did somehow ending up having sex with him, he'd be one of those guys that are into like nursing fetishes, and I mean nursing like breast feeding, not sexy bedside nurse. And look, everyone has their thing, but how dull for me. 

Like what the fuck kind of karma do I have where this is my dating life? Yes, I went on good dates, but I'm so tired of this. I'm so tired of just datingdatingdatingdating. I get that I'm not the only one experiencing this and that there are other factors at play. I've gotten so comfortable being alone and at peace, but gods, I want to be loved on and love on someone else. I want companionship, intimacy, secret smiles, and to be squeezed so hard in a hug that I can't take a deep breath. 

I have a date this Tuesday, and an escort (he didn't ask me out, I had told him I was going and he asked if I wanted to meet up, not a date IMO) to a gun show on Saturday with another guy, so we'll see how this week goes. I am hopeful for the Tuesday guy, we've spoken on the phone twice now and it's gone great. Cross your fingers for me, and any good vibes you can send my way, I'd appreciate.