Curiosity Killed the Cat

When we spoke on Tuesday, Steve asked if I wanted to talk on Thursday and I said yes. My anxious thoughts had been ebbing and flowing for the last 2 weeks easily, but I enjoy talking with Steve, over the phone or text, but I know I was probably just digging my own grave. Let me at least enjoy it then. 

He had sent me a photo on Sunday with crazy post shower hair that was longer than usual, I told him I liked the longer hair, and I could run my fingers through it much easier. He told me that he will have to ask his barber to keep it longer on the top then. I like how he accommodates, and even if my lizard brain thinks he is doing things I like to manipulate me, I don't know. My lizard brain is traumatized. 

On Thursday he sent me a photo, post barber, and he was looking very handsome, which is what I told him. And that I couldn't wait to touch his hair. Also, a full head of hair as an older guy, love that. 

We spoke on Thursday evening and we were asking each other deeper get to know you questions, and then I asked the dealbreaker of questions, "what do you think your red flags are?". Look, this is a question that should be asked early on because they are either going to say they don't know, which means they are not self aware, or they know and it's something you should know if is a dealbreaker to you. 

S: "I think that I am recently divorced and I'm still learning to date and figure out what I like"

Well. That answers that. He asked what my red flags are, and I gave them, but he also asks what red flags I look out for in dating, and I started listing things, like one is if you are a parent and don't have your kids 50% of the time, I am not interested and he says "oh yeah, I insisted on 50/50 custody, I couldn't imagine seeing them less than I do now", essentially, I was giving my red flags or dealbreakers and he was responding to all of them, like assuring me those are not red flags of his. I then said if I am dating someone for a while and commitment is not discussed, there was no rebuttal to this. So I said fuck it. 

"I think this is something we should talk about, I know you said you wanted casual the last time I mentioned what you were looking for, but it's been a while since then"
S: "I think this is a valid conversation to have, and I think it's a good time to discuss it, but could we talk about this tomorrow or when I am there this weekend? It's getting late and I should get to bed"
"Do you really think this is going to be a long conversation? I don't understand"
S: "Well, I think that you're going to present your point, and I am going to state mine, and then it's going to be 2 hours from now, and we've gotten no where. If I was succumbing to my people pleasing tendencies, I would have this conversation with you now, but I really want to put a pin in this, it's past 10pm, we both have to get up early, okay?"
"Okay I understand"

We ended the call and boy was I annoyed. And anxious. I knew what he was doing, why avoid the issue? I mean, I do understand why he thought to do that. He had told me in our conversation about a red flag with a woman he dated previously, before they even met, she was texting him photos of her son and that she was looking for a good father figure. I guess after they went out, whatever all that entailed, she got really clingy and told him she wanted to be with him and he was like "I barely know you". She was a very textbook anxious attacher. I guess he had had a close to 2 hour conversation with her about how he wasn't ready for a relationship.

I don't know why he thought I was anything like that. I have never pursued him. I am easy to be with, but I have played hard to get. Steve schedules dates and phone calls, and since they are scheduled, I make the time. He has impromptu called me once, and we were texting at the time, and I was able to take the call. I did not ask for any dates, I expressed my interest in seeing him again and he took the cue. I would rather die than beg for a man to date or be with me. Even if I'm a pathetic needy pick me of a woman on my blog or talking to my friends, I would never ever be so forthcoming with a man. 

He texted me the following morning, we avoided the issue, talking about some inconsequential bullshit. I decided that I didn't want to see him on Sunday. I knew the conversation was coming, he was not going to commit, lets light this firework. 

"I would like to have the discussion we touched on last night. Are you available to talk today? I’m going to logout soon, so time is up to you."
S: "I can talk for ten minutes now, but heading to a concert with friends tonight"

Bro, it's not even 3pm, calm down. I like how he said he would give me 10 minutes. Say less my guy, I only need half that. 

We got on the phone and I asked about the concert to be polite, but he didn't remember the band name, and I was like "oh well, doesn't matter, anyway". You don't remember? That's, just, okay... Anyway. 

"Look, I'm really just questioning your intentions, and I honestly don't think that they have changed since we talked at Guenther House, which you said you wanted something casual, didn't want to rush, and nothing too serious at this time, I was in the same boat, I date slowly, and at the time I was dating multiple people, so casual worked for me at the time, but it doesn't anymore. We are at a point in dating and talking where I'm wanting to see some kind of step forward, even if it's slowly, and I don't think that's what you want"

S: "Um, yeah, I don't think I'm ready for that. Um, which I understand, I think what you are asking is valid and fair, but yeah, I don't think I'm ready"

"I think that, I mean, I accept your answer obviously, there is no way to change it. I guess I'm just kind of confused about the mixed messages you gave me, as far as pursuing and consistency, talking about the future, and all that stuff, and how much you wanted to talk, I don't know. I kind of feel like you led me on"

S: "Oh, I didn't mean to, I mean, I enjoy talking to you, that was all me. I did those things because I wanted to talk to you consistently, I apologize if it came off as more, I didn't mean to do that, the talking and reaching out was honest... It was because I wanted to. I enjoy your personality and sense of humor. But yeah, I can see how that would have given off mixed messages, especially since you wanted something more serious and consistent that would lead to something monogamous and serious relationship, which I understand."

"Alright, well, I think it's good that we discussed this, and I don't know why you thought this would take 2 hours when we spoke last night, I'm not trying to change anyone's mind who's not interested, that's just not me. Um, but I've had a really good time with you, it was really nice getting to know you, and I think you're really fun. I hope that you find whatever it is that you are looking for.'

S: "Okay, um, so just to be clear, I'm assuming you don't want me to come on Sunday? That would be confusing..."

"No, I don't, I don't want to see you anymore"

S: "Okay. Well, you're a great person, and I hope you find someone who compliments you that is in that space ready to commitment, and I've had fun talking to you."

"Alright, thank you"

S: "Alright, well, I will talk to you later. Yeah, you're right, haha, that didn't take that long"

"Okay bye"

S: "bye"

I only have these details because I recorded the call like the psycho I am. Honestly, I recorded it because whenever we spoke about the future it went into a black box in my head. So, I didn't want to forget. I think he really expected me to debate with him on committing to me or something, which is why he told me he only had 10 minutes. So he could have an exit. 

Something I don't do anymore is let a man tell me more than once he doesn't want me. As much as I want someone to choose me, I will not degrade myself for it, I will not betray myself for it. I shouldn't even have to bring up commitment unless it's this situation, where my timeframe has ended and the man hasn't it brought it up. There is no negotiation, we are not aligned on wanting the same things/outcome, there is not reason to stay in a situation where only one persons needs are being met, it's simply walking away.