Anyway, I say all that to say that my makeup was looking "skin settled" and hair still waved from my Pasha date once I got home and changed, so I sent Steve a selfie, which is all that was needed for him to inquire if we could talk tonight. We caught up on weekend activities, and talked for a couple hours. I believe that this is the conversation where he asked for my birthday and added to his contact entry for me. I asked what else he had in there, my address, he changed my photo from the assigned contact photo I have (iPhone), and my email address.
That is when I flipped the Panic Switch. I do know that no one is more interesting in you than you are about yourself, but I Google everyone, and maybe that's just what women do in order to be/stay safe, and men don't do that, but a search with my email will find this blog. For as much as I share here, I am such a private person, and on here I am anonymous mostly. I don't have a big social media presence, I deleted Facebook years ago, I don't post really anywhere. I know there are a couple bloggers I followed in the day and commenters that I follow and vise versa on Instagram, but that's about it. And Twitter, but I am rarely posting on there anymore. I'm really just in it for the House of the Dragon meme's, the creme de la creme!
Anyway, I restored some posts, but it will take a while to restore the history, so I don't know if I will do that. At this point, maybe if I get bored. I think I would rather edit the posts to have a journal printed out or something. Another thought for another day, not too worried about it.
Steve and I were having a pretty good week. He asked to talk again on Tuesday, "I miss your voice" he said. Our recent calls have been averaging almost 3 hours, even though we are both early to bed, early to rise. We had our date scheduled for Sunday, he was coming down early in the morning and we'd spend the entire day together. Since he works from home on Monday's, he would leave early Monday morning to start work back in Austin around 8am. I was kind of nervous spending the whole day together, I am fairly boring and like it, but we're still so new, so I know it's mostly going to be a lot of sex. Although he wanted to take me to brunch and perhaps the botanical gardens if it wasn't too hot, but also sex. Which I'm down for of course.
Also thinking though, if we do continue to date, spending full weekend days together is going to be the norm, since we live about 1.5-2 hours away from each other (depending on traffic). I don't mind the distance because I have my own life and hobbies. I am also pretty resigned that most men I match with live in Austin, this is going to be the norm, really. Yeah, a few guys are in SA, but the dating scene here is kind of terrible, and I am not the only person who thinks so. Not to say Austin is that much better, but it is, fractionally.
The texting with Steve has changed as well, it's more comfortable, if that makes sense. The style you settle into once you really start to learn someone. But, what of it? Does it mean anything? Does it matter how comfortable I am with Steve and his texting and talking to him on the phone, and how I feel when I'm with him? Has what he wanted changed? Because when I asked back when we went to Guenther House, he wanted casual dating. He is not even a year divorced. His actions tell me one thing, and then I remember what he said.
All these weeks he has pursued and now we are almost at 3 months in, and I want to go from casual dating to something more committed. I am really starting to have bigger feelings for him. This is my timeline I have set for anyone I am dating, if there is no discussion on moving to the next step and wanting something committed about 2.5-3 months in, I have to walk. Why are you pursuing me like you have if that's not what you want as well? You tell me all the time how much you like me, that I'm amazing, that you want to go to the mountains with me, you send me pics and tell me about your daughters, etc. And I take these with a grain of salt, but what's going on here?
I really care about Steve, and I feel like he cares about me, or why keep pursuing and spending so much time talking to me after you already fucked me? I was debating all week if I should bring this up over the phone, or if I should wait until he visits or after he visits. I left myself voice memo's that I will be fine if I end things with Steve, I was fine before him, I'll be fine after.
I was preparing for this Sunday to be the last time I see him. Preparing myself, my expectations. Because as much as he may like me, my experience tells me that no one chooses me. This boundary will be my own test if I will continue to betray myself, my wants and NEEDS, to continue seeing a man that won't commit to me, which I refuse to do. I tell myself that I choose me, but that unhealed part of me says who fucking cares, I want someone else to choose me too, that is the most painful part. When you grow up emotionally neglected, this is extremely important, and I have trained myself out of being the "pick me" type, but there is an element of shame still there that I want someone else to pick me, love me, that I am not enough for myself, that I still want external validation. That my parents were wrong, that I am worth loving, that I deserve it, I don't have to earn it. I am not sure this is something I can ever heal, or that anyone, any human, can ever heal. We are social creatures after all.
1 comment:
You guys have some seriously long chats. I could never!! I think give him space & see if HE suggests a more serious relationship then. 3 months is quite long. I don't know, I'm not as sensible as you, my relationships usually escalated fast & probably foolishly 😆
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