A Memory of You

I think there was an argument to be had, or maybe not an argument, but a conversation that if I hadn't stipulated my want of commitment, that things could have/would have progressed on their own, but I don't really believe that. I don't think things would have progressed to another level or commitment, the old guard would have remained, nothing would have changed. We would continue to date "casually", meaning he would text me everyday, he would call me multiple times a week and we would see each other regularly as our schedules allowed. Not just dating and not a relationship, it would be a "situationship", which I am not interested in having. 

Why? So I can fall in love with him, and look like a fool when I say I want more months down the line, or that I love him, and he tells me, "I just wanted to date casually". Be so fucking for real right now. I am not a "go with the flow person". I hate when people tell me that you have to let relationships progress at its own pace. 

Sure, that is true to a point, but I'm sorry, consistent communication and dates over a 3 month period and you don't want to commit? And if I inquire if we are moving towards that, you don't have an answer for me? There is a reason for that, and it's because you don't want me like that, or you think you can still find someone better (most of the time). Goodbye. GOODBYE. 

And three months is generous in my opinion. What man do you know would want to share a woman that they are truly interested in and want to be with? Steve is not into poly, I already asked and told him I'm not into that shit at all. I do think that I was occupying a lot of space in his mind, but I understand that Steve was not in the same place as I was due to still grieving his divorce. I sometimes think "if he wanted to he would", but he wasn't even a year out and he was married for 20 years. So no, he was right when he said he wasn't ready, and he wasn't ready for what I am wanting, which is a relationship that leads to marriage, or partnership. I do not think that he didn't like me or didn't care about me. His actions speak the loudest on this. But, even if he did want a relationship, and the "just not with you" is silent, that is not my business. However, it is my business to extract myself from a situation that doesn't serve me.

I really just think he wanted to play the field and "sow the oats" or whatever. I do think he is a relationship guy, big time. And that's either due to just being married for so long so that's his behavior now, or that he likes the kind of closeness and intimacy of having someone to just do life with. I think it's both. I think he likes that kind of relationship and liked being married. He really is husband material, imo. 

There were a couple times where I questioned him or had issues and I brought it up immediately and he explained and/or corrected himself. I think that we could have continued to have a lot of fun together, especially because we really seemed to match each others freak, but again, I would have fallen in love with him, and I'm not interested in breaking my own heart like that. 

I am really behind on posting, so me ending things actually happened mid May. I was really sad for a while, but I do not regret dating him, and I do not regret ending it. I think he is a great guy, and what I told him was true, I had a lot of fun with him, I really enjoyed getting to know him, and I really liked the way he treated me. I kind of wish I had told him that if he was ever ready for something serious and was interested in me that way to reach out and see if I'm available, but eh. I think the inclination to think that he wasn't ready for a committed relationship and the "with you" being the quiet part was too strong for me to offer that option. Because who knows. Maybe one of the girls he was talking to he is committed to now. 

I didn't block him on iPhone. I did unmatch him on Tinder during our phone call. Literally the day before the call we became friends on TikTok, but I only scroll on there, my likes are private (even from friends), and he also doesn't post. However, I did look at his following list and there are a few girls that look "me-coded", if that makes sense. Like pre-production versions, but not the final product. I don't know why, but this gave me the ick in a major way. I showed my friend and she agreed that they were "me-coded", then said he fumbled big time since him and I could have been something, but he wanted the generic. I love my friend for giving me the validation, support, and hype I didn't know I needed. 

As I've written these posts to catch up, I have been thrown a bit back into my feels for him. It's easy to move on from, unlike going through it fresh, but I admittedly do miss him. I miss talking to him on the phone, and his easy going and secure demeanor. I also was able to talk to him about work stuff, and he was really good at providing insight with work and my feelings of imposter syndrome in my newer position. I guess I'm just adding the qualities he had to my list of what I'm looking for going forward. Le sigh, I will be searching forever I think.